Diabetes my constant companion

This blog is from my Myspace page and I originally wrote it to raise money for a Diabetes walk -------

Unless you spend a bit of time with me, you may never know that I walk the never ending tight rope of blood glucose management. Diabetes is, for the most part, an invisible condition. Unlike other conditions, where the person struggles physically with symptoms, diabetes does not manifest in external signs for a very long time - possibly not at all, ever. People are always surprised if I tell them I am diabetic – usually the reaction is "Really? But you LOOK so healthy – everything you do seems so normal". For the most part I am able to keep everything under wraps. Not many people see the 6 medications I take every day, the endless trips to the doctor, simple boo boos that turn into major infections or surgery, the 5 antibiotics it took to clear up an infection on my arm recently, the hours I spend at the gym each day, or the dozens of "bad" foods I muster the will not to eat throughout the day, the pretty bracelet that is a disguise for medical alert…and that's just the beginning - the list could on! Living with diabetes cannot be explained to anyone. It is very difficult to put into word these vague but important feelings you have. Sometimes it's difficult to find the word or words for the feelings you have…but I'm going to give it all I have to help people understand.

In November of 1999 my whole life changed with one visit to the doctor. I had been to the doctor many times throughout college complaining about fatigue, thirst, blurry vision and having to pee a lot, but every time I was told it was just exhaustion and I was doing too much– I needed to choose between work or college – I couldn't do both full time. That wasn't an option for me so I ignored it and kept going.

After I graduated I was still working ridiculous hours with my new job and so I attributed feeling crappy with stress. I went to a training for work in Atlanta and I was sitting at a table with a dietician. She noticed I was drinking all the water on the table, she said I looked exhausted and I kept having to use the bathroom. She asked me if diabetes ran in my family – I said yes and she told me I need to go to a doctor and get tested. I visited my grandparents on the way back to NC and used my grandfather's blood sugar machine to test myself – the number was 290 something – fasting! A normal blood glucose reading is 80 – 120 and 290+ was definitely not good! (I'll explain better later—keep reading!)

So I headed back to Chapel Hill and called the diabetes clinic the next day. Now mind you I didn't have a regular doctor and had only been seeing Student Health Services before. When I called to make an appointment the woman who answered asked whom I had been referred by and I said no one and she laughed at me and asked why I thought I needed to be seen by one of their specialist. When I explained what my blood sugar level was after using my grandfather's machine she wasn't laughing anymore and told me I immediately needed to come in. That's when everything changed.

I remember the somber look on the doctor's face after they took some blood and tested it. He said something like -- "I'm afraid this is going to have to go on your medical records – you are lucky you already have insurance – this can affect a lot more than you realize." I was put on a bunch of fast acting medications, sent to watch a video on what my new chronic disease was, and then sent to a finance counselor because apparently what I had was going to cost A LOT! I had no idea what I was getting into. I remember asking the doctor how long he thought I had been diabetic, he said they couldn't be sure, that Type 2 diabetes develops slowly and many people have it for years before being diagnosed, but they knew it was a lot longer than 3 months for me because of my A1C levels. I'll never really know when my body began to betray me.

You might be asking yourself "what exactly is diabetes"? You hear about it all the time – older people call it "the sugar", some people think if you don't eat sweets you'll be fine, or my favorite is the people who think if you just lost weight you would be "cured". Yeah, I wish it was that simple: "Diabetes is a disease in which the body does not produce or properly use insulin. Insulin is a hormone that is needed to convert sugar, starches and other food into energy needed for daily life. The cause of diabetes continues to be a mystery, although both genetics and environmental factors such as obesity and lack of exercise appear to play roles" (ADA website).So basically your body needs carbohydrates to keep it going. Carbohydrates, a form of energy, are broken down into a simple sugar called glucose, which every cell in your body needs to survive. Glucose passes from the small intestine into the bloodstream. Cells require the hormone insulin, produced by the pancreas, which allows glucose to pass from the blood into cells. In type 2 diabetes, the body's cells are resistant to the actions of insulin and the pancreas produces too little insulin (i.e. the key doesn't fit so it can't get in to give you energy). Glucose builds up in the blood and spills into the urine. This spells trouble if left untreated because high blood glucose levels cause serious health problems such as eye and kidney disease, heart attack (diabetics are 7 times more likely to have one), stroke, kidney failure…basically all your major organs are attacked and shut down if you don't control your diabetes. People go blind, lose their limbs, and have strokes or heart attacks!After I was first diagnosed, I went into complete denial.

My thoughts went a little something like this: "I feel fine, I mean so what if I pee a little more or feel tired – everyone goes through it when they are stressed. Okay, so I should lose a little weight – but I've been overweight all of my adult life and losing weight just isn't that easy. One bite won't hurt. I don't have time to workout out or cook myself meals. No drinking alcohol – are you kidding me? I am 22 years old, how in the world do I spend time with my friends and not drink – they can so why can't I? I'll go to the doctor later, it can't be that serious. I only have to take pills, not a shot, I'll do more tomorrow…" Tomorrow came and went and finally something inside me changed. I was tired of feeling tired all the time, I started getting sick more with little things and I started paying attention to all the warnings from my doctors and I decided I wanted to live. No matter what I did I couldn't get my blood sugars to get below 170 (80 – 120 is normal) and the doctor warned me if something didn't change (namely me) I would end up on insulin very soon. Insulin – you mean needles – every day – oh hell no! Motivated by fear, I set out to do it all the right way. I obeyed all of the doctor's orders, followed all the rules to a "T", and did my best to take control of my diabetes. And since there was no cure for diabetes, I figured my best defense would be to educate myself. So I gathered as much information as I could get my hands on. I wanted to learn all that I could about this enemy that had taken up residence in my body and wasn't going to be leaving any time soon. So I started changing what I ate – just a bit – and I began to walk – just around the block at first (I was too big to be able to do much more).

Eventually the weight started to come off and my blood sugar started to drop to more normal levels. I eventually lost 100 lbs and completely changed my lifestyle. Now I work out 5 -6 days a week, twice a week with a personal trainer and do both cardio and strength training. I eat every two hours and attempt to balance any carbs I eat with a lean protein. Despite all my efforts I still have to take a medication to help control my blood sugar – but for the past 5 years I have had excellent A1C's (the three month average of your blood sugar) and I have everything under control.Control doesn't mean I don't have issues. Every day is a continuous battle – if I eat the wrong things or am sick or stressed my blood sugar goes up – I have to be careful with infections because I take longer to heal – if I get sick, I stay sick longer – I prick myself most days to see what my "score" is for the day – I take medications to protect future damage to my kidneys and control my cholesterol that no matter how much I exercise or change what I ate wouldn't go to normal – if I wait to long to eat my blood sugar can drop and I get cranky (really cranky!) – I am constantly struggling with my weight - and some days I just wake up feeling like crap. Some days this constant battle gets to me and I feel overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, and powerless. There are a lot of feelings of it being unfair and a vague fear or worry about what is in store for me later in life. The ever present fear of future complications is like a big storm cloud always on the horizon – what if I'm not trying hard enough – will I or most importantly the ones I love be able to deal with it? I hate it because it is forever. There are financial frustrations too. I am very fortunate to have health insurance, and I am thankful for it. But there is still a very real financial burden to deal with for supplies and medicine (I spend well over $100 a month and I have insurance and am a lucky one). I also am denied private life insurance and disability coverage (only large group plans will cover me). The cost of insurance keeps going up while coverage is diminishing.I think I'm always strong, but really, I'm sometimes weak and tired and broken and at the end of my rope. For some reason I feel a significant amount of unspoken blame or judgment, like I must be doing something wrong or not trying quite hard enough. That if I were just a little more disciplined and could lose more weight I would be healthy all the time. I also feel guilty about being frustrated – it could be worse – I am one of the "lucky ones" because I don't have to use insulin (I can't even imagine what my friends go through on a daily basis with that roller coaster – talk about planning and frustration!).

I guess the best course of action for me has been to let myself be frustrated and tired - to accept that sometimes I won't succeed, that sometimes diabetes WILL win the battle. But to know, all the while, I'll win the war. That's why I took the time to write this. I want to do whatever I can to take one step closer to a cure. Little baby steps, just like when I changed my lifestyle before.
"There are 20.8 million children and adults in the United States, or 7% of the population, who have diabetes. While an estimated 14.6 million have been diagnosed with diabetes, unfortunately, 6.2 million people (or nearly one-third) are unaware that they have the disease" (ADA website).Diabetes is the fifth leading cause of death in the United States, and among the top ten leading causes of death among women. (Source: CDC, ADA)". My family tree is full of the disease on both sides, closest to me I personally have a father and grandmother also living with the disease, my sister was just recently diagnosed with gestational diabetes, as well as a grandfather and uncle on my mom's side who has died from complications of the disease.

As 1 of 21 million people living with diabetes in the U.S. I am going to fight to turn my diabetes into my livabetes. Diabetes will always be my constant companion but I refuse to let it control my life. I am lucky that I have the ability to control my disease now and make a healthier life for my future – some diseases don't give you that opportunity. This is just my small way to Step Out and fight back and I hope that you will too.

Because we have to.