D-Day

Today is d-day or drink day or diet day or damn day. I woke up last night at 3:00 a.m. and couldn't relax enough to go back to sleep. I have been so excited about this day for the last 3 weeks and now that is was becoming a reality I was freaked out.

3 weeks ago I went to my doctor for a check-up and I began discussing my struggles with my weight with her. At one point I had lost 100 pounds over 4 years and now I have gained back about 35 pounds of it. All the things that used to work aren't working anymore. Maybe it's turning 30, maybe it's my disease, but the reality is I am eating too much and my body is not happy about it. My blood sugar levels are off, my HDL is not high enough depsite all the exercise I do and I have been struggling with UTI's for awhile. I was at my limit and I needed help.

My doctor told me about the bariatric clinic at Emory and their Medical Weight Loss Management program and reffered me to their clinic. I went to an information session and learned that in 14 -21 weeks I could achieve significant weight loss under the guidance of my doctor and a bariatric doctor through a liquid fast called Optifast. I would have to attend a medical clinic each week as well as a support group that covered topics ranging from exercise to the psychology of eating and nutrition information. At the end of 14 weeks I would be reintroduced to food (slowly) and learn how to eat again. Did I mention it was expensive?? The first thing I did was call my insurance company and go over the procedure codes and the program - luckily my insurance company will cover the majority of the program, otherwise it wouldn't be happening.

I began thinking about my lifelong struggle with my weight and how I have all the knowledge and information about eating healthy, but I was still controlled by my emotions and that led to eating too much. Food is my crack. Not that I am ready to go into too many details, but the one thing I have learned about myself is that I needed to learn what triggered my emotional eating and how to look for those clues and conquer the demon that has forever haunted me. I knew that if I could commit to not eating anything but these protein, vitamin and mineral enriched shakes I could focus on the emotional side and be able to take a break from my addiction. Think about it - if you are an alcoholic you *could* just put down the bottle and avoid being around alcohol - you just don't drink it (I know that this is a serious addiction - this is just a simple analogy) - the same goes for drugs. But not if your crack is food. You are faced with thousands of decisions a day about what to eat, what not to eat, candy jars in the office, lunch dates, dinner dates, holidays centered around food and celebrations...the list could go on and on. You just can't lay down the bottle and walk away. You have to eat to live....but you don't have to live to eat. That is why I decided to start my journey to better health.

The initial reaction I have gotten from everyone is shock and concern, because the weight loss is significant and quick - they think it is too drastic. After I describe the program and everything that is involved, as well as the underlying medical conditions, most people are supportive. This is not something that I am doing to just look better or to improve my life. I have amazing and supportive friends, family and a boyfriend who loves me just the way I am. This isn't for anyone but myself -- I want to live~

After I went through all the blood work and EKG and dr's visits I knew that the following weeks would be the last time I would eat for awhile. You would think that I would pig-out and start eating all the things I am saying goodbye to for the rest of my life, but the strangest thing happened -- I stopped obsessing about losing weight and with the knowledge that I would soon be at a healthier weight I actually stopped obsessing about what I ate and dropped 7 lbs in the process. Yesterday was my last day to eat food for 14 weeks and I have to admit that I ate too much at lunch and was stuffed after dinner. It felt terrible. My blood sugar was off and I felt like crap -- I locked that feeling away into my memory and promised myself to always think of that when I started eating again.

I freaked out last night because I knew that I would follow the program and I knew that I would succeed, but could I handle the new image of me? My entire adult (and pre-teen) life has been spent in varying degrees of being overweight and it has always been my comfort and shield from the rest of the world. Being fat makes you the "safe" and non-threating friend, but making great changes in your life makes you stand out. At 3 oclock this morning I wasn't sure if I was ready for the attention and if I could accept the new me. I couldn't even picture myself at a healthy weight - what will I look like?

Not eating today has been pretty easy. It's almost a relief. Every three hours I make a shake and drink it down and go about my way. I met friends for lunch and was not even tempted to snatch a bite of food. I was surrounded by the smell of food and I was okay. There were veggies and dip in the breakroom all day and I didn't even take a bite. I just said no. Tonight I am going to celebrate my boyfriend with 20 of our friends and his coworkers at a restaurant and I am not going to eat. It makes people uncomfortable when you don't eat - but I know that I can do it. We are also traveling this weekend and celebrating at a restaurant again with my sister for her birthday and I know that I'll be okay because I will be surrounded by those who love me. The challenge will be when I have to eat again and I faced with choices choices choices choices.

Right now I am just going to focus on all my numbers -- not just my weight -- but my cholesterol, blood sugar, blood pressure -- and start watching them improve. I stepped on a scale yesterday that told you your metabolic age and it told me I was 50...it could be worse because it maxes out at 50. I was devasted but I know that I have to change....now....and forever.

One day down...97 to go. I will complete the fast 3 days after my birthday on May 22, 2008 - what an amazing gift I plan on giving myself!