This blog is from my Myspace page and I originally wrote it to raise money for a Diabetes walk -------
Unless you spend a bit of time with me, you may never know that I walk the never ending tight rope of blood glucose management. Diabetes is, for the most part, an invisible condition. Unlike other conditions, where the person struggles physically with symptoms, diabetes does not manifest in external signs for a very long time - possibly not at all, ever. People are always surprised if I tell them I am diabetic – usually the reaction is "Really? But you LOOK so healthy – everything you do seems so normal". For the most part I am able to keep everything under wraps. Not many people see the 6 medications I take every day, the endless trips to the doctor, simple boo boos that turn into major infections or surgery, the 5 antibiotics it took to clear up an infection on my arm recently, the hours I spend at the gym each day, or the dozens of "bad" foods I muster the will not to eat throughout the day, the pretty bracelet that is a disguise for medical alert…and that's just the beginning - the list could on! Living with diabetes cannot be explained to anyone. It is very difficult to put into word these vague but important feelings you have. Sometimes it's difficult to find the word or words for the feelings you have…but I'm going to give it all I have to help people understand.
In November of 1999 my whole life changed with one visit to the doctor. I had been to the doctor many times throughout college complaining about fatigue, thirst, blurry vision and having to pee a lot, but every time I was told it was just exhaustion and I was doing too much– I needed to choose between work or college – I couldn't do both full time. That wasn't an option for me so I ignored it and kept going.
After I graduated I was still working ridiculous hours with my new job and so I attributed feeling crappy with stress. I went to a training for work in Atlanta and I was sitting at a table with a dietician. She noticed I was drinking all the water on the table, she said I looked exhausted and I kept having to use the bathroom. She asked me if diabetes ran in my family – I said yes and she told me I need to go to a doctor and get tested. I visited my grandparents on the way back to NC and used my grandfather's blood sugar machine to test myself – the number was 290 something – fasting! A normal blood glucose reading is 80 – 120 and 290+ was definitely not good! (I'll explain better later—keep reading!)
So I headed back to Chapel Hill and called the diabetes clinic the next day. Now mind you I didn't have a regular doctor and had only been seeing Student Health Services before. When I called to make an appointment the woman who answered asked whom I had been referred by and I said no one and she laughed at me and asked why I thought I needed to be seen by one of their specialist. When I explained what my blood sugar level was after using my grandfather's machine she wasn't laughing anymore and told me I immediately needed to come in. That's when everything changed.
I remember the somber look on the doctor's face after they took some blood and tested it. He said something like -- "I'm afraid this is going to have to go on your medical records – you are lucky you already have insurance – this can affect a lot more than you realize." I was put on a bunch of fast acting medications, sent to watch a video on what my new chronic disease was, and then sent to a finance counselor because apparently what I had was going to cost A LOT! I had no idea what I was getting into. I remember asking the doctor how long he thought I had been diabetic, he said they couldn't be sure, that Type 2 diabetes develops slowly and many people have it for years before being diagnosed, but they knew it was a lot longer than 3 months for me because of my A1C levels. I'll never really know when my body began to betray me.
You might be asking yourself "what exactly is diabetes"? You hear about it all the time – older people call it "the sugar", some people think if you don't eat sweets you'll be fine, or my favorite is the people who think if you just lost weight you would be "cured". Yeah, I wish it was that simple: "Diabetes is a disease in which the body does not produce or properly use insulin. Insulin is a hormone that is needed to convert sugar, starches and other food into energy needed for daily life. The cause of diabetes continues to be a mystery, although both genetics and environmental factors such as obesity and lack of exercise appear to play roles" (ADA website).So basically your body needs carbohydrates to keep it going. Carbohydrates, a form of energy, are broken down into a simple sugar called glucose, which every cell in your body needs to survive. Glucose passes from the small intestine into the bloodstream. Cells require the hormone insulin, produced by the pancreas, which allows glucose to pass from the blood into cells. In type 2 diabetes, the body's cells are resistant to the actions of insulin and the pancreas produces too little insulin (i.e. the key doesn't fit so it can't get in to give you energy). Glucose builds up in the blood and spills into the urine. This spells trouble if left untreated because high blood glucose levels cause serious health problems such as eye and kidney disease, heart attack (diabetics are 7 times more likely to have one), stroke, kidney failure…basically all your major organs are attacked and shut down if you don't control your diabetes. People go blind, lose their limbs, and have strokes or heart attacks!After I was first diagnosed, I went into complete denial.
My thoughts went a little something like this: "I feel fine, I mean so what if I pee a little more or feel tired – everyone goes through it when they are stressed. Okay, so I should lose a little weight – but I've been overweight all of my adult life and losing weight just isn't that easy. One bite won't hurt. I don't have time to workout out or cook myself meals. No drinking alcohol – are you kidding me? I am 22 years old, how in the world do I spend time with my friends and not drink – they can so why can't I? I'll go to the doctor later, it can't be that serious. I only have to take pills, not a shot, I'll do more tomorrow…" Tomorrow came and went and finally something inside me changed. I was tired of feeling tired all the time, I started getting sick more with little things and I started paying attention to all the warnings from my doctors and I decided I wanted to live. No matter what I did I couldn't get my blood sugars to get below 170 (80 – 120 is normal) and the doctor warned me if something didn't change (namely me) I would end up on insulin very soon. Insulin – you mean needles – every day – oh hell no! Motivated by fear, I set out to do it all the right way. I obeyed all of the doctor's orders, followed all the rules to a "T", and did my best to take control of my diabetes. And since there was no cure for diabetes, I figured my best defense would be to educate myself. So I gathered as much information as I could get my hands on. I wanted to learn all that I could about this enemy that had taken up residence in my body and wasn't going to be leaving any time soon. So I started changing what I ate – just a bit – and I began to walk – just around the block at first (I was too big to be able to do much more).
Eventually the weight started to come off and my blood sugar started to drop to more normal levels. I eventually lost 100 lbs and completely changed my lifestyle. Now I work out 5 -6 days a week, twice a week with a personal trainer and do both cardio and strength training. I eat every two hours and attempt to balance any carbs I eat with a lean protein. Despite all my efforts I still have to take a medication to help control my blood sugar – but for the past 5 years I have had excellent A1C's (the three month average of your blood sugar) and I have everything under control.Control doesn't mean I don't have issues. Every day is a continuous battle – if I eat the wrong things or am sick or stressed my blood sugar goes up – I have to be careful with infections because I take longer to heal – if I get sick, I stay sick longer – I prick myself most days to see what my "score" is for the day – I take medications to protect future damage to my kidneys and control my cholesterol that no matter how much I exercise or change what I ate wouldn't go to normal – if I wait to long to eat my blood sugar can drop and I get cranky (really cranky!) – I am constantly struggling with my weight - and some days I just wake up feeling like crap. Some days this constant battle gets to me and I feel overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, and powerless. There are a lot of feelings of it being unfair and a vague fear or worry about what is in store for me later in life. The ever present fear of future complications is like a big storm cloud always on the horizon – what if I'm not trying hard enough – will I or most importantly the ones I love be able to deal with it? I hate it because it is forever. There are financial frustrations too. I am very fortunate to have health insurance, and I am thankful for it. But there is still a very real financial burden to deal with for supplies and medicine (I spend well over $100 a month and I have insurance and am a lucky one). I also am denied private life insurance and disability coverage (only large group plans will cover me). The cost of insurance keeps going up while coverage is diminishing.I think I'm always strong, but really, I'm sometimes weak and tired and broken and at the end of my rope. For some reason I feel a significant amount of unspoken blame or judgment, like I must be doing something wrong or not trying quite hard enough. That if I were just a little more disciplined and could lose more weight I would be healthy all the time. I also feel guilty about being frustrated – it could be worse – I am one of the "lucky ones" because I don't have to use insulin (I can't even imagine what my friends go through on a daily basis with that roller coaster – talk about planning and frustration!).
I guess the best course of action for me has been to let myself be frustrated and tired - to accept that sometimes I won't succeed, that sometimes diabetes WILL win the battle. But to know, all the while, I'll win the war. That's why I took the time to write this. I want to do whatever I can to take one step closer to a cure. Little baby steps, just like when I changed my lifestyle before.
"There are 20.8 million children and adults in the United States, or 7% of the population, who have diabetes. While an estimated 14.6 million have been diagnosed with diabetes, unfortunately, 6.2 million people (or nearly one-third) are unaware that they have the disease" (ADA website).Diabetes is the fifth leading cause of death in the United States, and among the top ten leading causes of death among women. (Source: CDC, ADA)". My family tree is full of the disease on both sides, closest to me I personally have a father and grandmother also living with the disease, my sister was just recently diagnosed with gestational diabetes, as well as a grandfather and uncle on my mom's side who has died from complications of the disease.
As 1 of 21 million people living with diabetes in the U.S. I am going to fight to turn my diabetes into my livabetes. Diabetes will always be my constant companion but I refuse to let it control my life. I am lucky that I have the ability to control my disease now and make a healthier life for my future – some diseases don't give you that opportunity. This is just my small way to Step Out and fight back and I hope that you will too.
Because we have to.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Little losses can mean big success
I made it through yet another week without anything but Optifast shakes and soup and my weight loss was a whopping 3.5 lbs. I have to be honest, my first reaction to that number was disappointment since I had lost 10 lbs last week. I sat there for a moment turning that number over and over in my head thinking "Are you f-ing kidding me, I eat 800 calories a day and this is all I get out of it?". So I did a little calculation : 13.5 lbs + (12 weeks * 3 lbs) = 49.5 lbs of weight loss at the end of the active phase of weight loss. I am such an idiot. Those self defeating thoughts are exactly what keep me overweight. 3.5 lbs is a HUGE success and I need to recognize that and the health benefits that I reap with each pound of fat gone from my body.
I have already begun to see huge improvements in my blood sugar levels and I beleive I can possibly come off my metaformin (the drug used to control my blood sugar levels) with even just 20 more lbs off. A normal blood sugar reading is 80-120 and before I started the program (and since the holidays) they had been averaging 115 in the morning. Now when I wake up the readings have been between 85 and 95 which is incredible. They drew blood last week and the doctor was impressed that at the end of the day and within two hours of eating my blood sugar was only 87. That improvement alone is worth every dime I spend to lose weight. (Look for my diabetes blog after this - I think I'll post it here too to help people understand better).So after 2 weeks I have lost 13.5 lbs and I can already start to notice little changes like being able to breathe easier since my pants aren't cutting off my circulation, I can start to see my dimples again in pictures when I smile, and I am feeling a little sassier every day. I think next time I'll post some progress pictures...watchout world!
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Becoming an Optimist
Leftover pizza in the conference room, einstein bros bagels with veggie cream cheese, chick-fil-a nuggets during break, lays potato chips and french onion dip, birthday cake, sushi, vegetables and ranch, doritos, moe's southwest grill burritos...the list could go on and on. It is just a small sample of every snack -- not even meal -- that I said no to in the past week. My efforts were rewarded with a 10 lb weight loss -- that's right 10 freakin' pounds in a week!
The first time I walked away from a delicious snack, I was proud of myself, but I still wasn't positive that I would be able to do it again and again. I don't know the exact moment, but at some point I went from thinking I could make good decisions for my health, to knowing I could make good decisions for my health. This weekend was pretty crappy for me, I was tired and my stress level was high. I had a three day class week for my MBA program (it's normally two) and we had a 2-inch binder full of readings, not to mention a six page case analysis for management strategy, a quiz in decision and information analysis, and deliverables due for marketing strategy and financial analysis. The cravings for comfort food hit me like a mack truck. As part of our $88,000 tuition they feed us, constantly, and everywhere I looked was food and people eating food. Normally it's not so bad, but when your defenses are down, it takes more to say no.
The amazing thing is I didn't buckle. I was able to maintain my three hour feeding schedule and avoided most feedings until lunch today when I had a group study session and it was obvious I wasn't eating with everyone else. My doctor (neurologist) teammate kept trying to get me to eat, until I finally explained to him what I was doing. His first reaction was concern, but then he was impressed with my commitment to improve my health. I made my shake and put it in a coffee cup so that I wouldn't have to explain to the other 119 executives in my program why I was drinking the funky looking stuff.
One thing that really helped me put things into perspective this week was the session we had with a psychologist as part of the program. Each week we have group meetings and this week it was about Commitment and Decision. I used to think that I need to figure out why I used food as my comfort and the psychologist explained the "why" wasn't as important as the "what" (as in what it takes to succeed). When we use "why" it becomes a justification because we are blaming others instead of taking responsibility for ourselves. You can assert and control in eating situations and it is only you that makes the choice about what to eat and what not to eat. Internal control is much more powerful than external control and you have to accept that you have control and only you can define who you want to be.
I am working towards creating a new value system for myself so that I can maintain a healthy lifestyle that makes me feel good physically and emotionally. An important component in that is becoming an optimist. I thought I was optimist, until I realized that maybe I was kidding myself. I know that I will succeed in losing weight to a healthy range this time, but I am afraid of going back to eating food on the maintenance part of the program. I still have doubt that I will be able to keep the weight off because I have always struggled with it in the past. I shared this with my group and one of the guys blew me away with amazing insight -- I had told them about losing over 100 lbs over about 4 years and in the past 2 years I have gained about 30 lbs or so back -- he pointed out to me that I had been succesful. 70 lbs is still a success and I should focus on that instead of feeling like a failure for the smaller amount I gained. Damn - he's right. I know that I have an all or nothing personality and I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to myself. I am very hard on myself and push myself to always be the best I can be, and the one thing that I have not been able to overcome in my life is my weight.
Each day I am working on becoming and optimist and knowing, not just believing that this is forever. Stress is never going away, the desire to fill myself with comfort foods is not going away, but my belief in myself and desire to be around for a long time aren't going away either and I accept that I have control...not just now, but always.
The first time I walked away from a delicious snack, I was proud of myself, but I still wasn't positive that I would be able to do it again and again. I don't know the exact moment, but at some point I went from thinking I could make good decisions for my health, to knowing I could make good decisions for my health. This weekend was pretty crappy for me, I was tired and my stress level was high. I had a three day class week for my MBA program (it's normally two) and we had a 2-inch binder full of readings, not to mention a six page case analysis for management strategy, a quiz in decision and information analysis, and deliverables due for marketing strategy and financial analysis. The cravings for comfort food hit me like a mack truck. As part of our $88,000 tuition they feed us, constantly, and everywhere I looked was food and people eating food. Normally it's not so bad, but when your defenses are down, it takes more to say no.
The amazing thing is I didn't buckle. I was able to maintain my three hour feeding schedule and avoided most feedings until lunch today when I had a group study session and it was obvious I wasn't eating with everyone else. My doctor (neurologist) teammate kept trying to get me to eat, until I finally explained to him what I was doing. His first reaction was concern, but then he was impressed with my commitment to improve my health. I made my shake and put it in a coffee cup so that I wouldn't have to explain to the other 119 executives in my program why I was drinking the funky looking stuff.
One thing that really helped me put things into perspective this week was the session we had with a psychologist as part of the program. Each week we have group meetings and this week it was about Commitment and Decision. I used to think that I need to figure out why I used food as my comfort and the psychologist explained the "why" wasn't as important as the "what" (as in what it takes to succeed). When we use "why" it becomes a justification because we are blaming others instead of taking responsibility for ourselves. You can assert and control in eating situations and it is only you that makes the choice about what to eat and what not to eat. Internal control is much more powerful than external control and you have to accept that you have control and only you can define who you want to be.
I am working towards creating a new value system for myself so that I can maintain a healthy lifestyle that makes me feel good physically and emotionally. An important component in that is becoming an optimist. I thought I was optimist, until I realized that maybe I was kidding myself. I know that I will succeed in losing weight to a healthy range this time, but I am afraid of going back to eating food on the maintenance part of the program. I still have doubt that I will be able to keep the weight off because I have always struggled with it in the past. I shared this with my group and one of the guys blew me away with amazing insight -- I had told them about losing over 100 lbs over about 4 years and in the past 2 years I have gained about 30 lbs or so back -- he pointed out to me that I had been succesful. 70 lbs is still a success and I should focus on that instead of feeling like a failure for the smaller amount I gained. Damn - he's right. I know that I have an all or nothing personality and I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to myself. I am very hard on myself and push myself to always be the best I can be, and the one thing that I have not been able to overcome in my life is my weight.
Each day I am working on becoming and optimist and knowing, not just believing that this is forever. Stress is never going away, the desire to fill myself with comfort foods is not going away, but my belief in myself and desire to be around for a long time aren't going away either and I accept that I have control...not just now, but always.
Friday, February 22, 2008
love = tomato soup
Many people wonder if they have true love and how their partner feels about them. I remember the old "shoop shoop" song, where Cher sang "if you wanna know if he loves you so it's in his kiss...", but I'm not sure if I agree. I think you know he loves you with the little things.
I knew after "5 days" that I loved my boyfriend, but he continues every day to surprise me with little acts of love and kindness. The other day, we were in the kitchen and he had grilled yummy food on the Egg (this giant green ceramic grill that is apparently the end all be all of grilling) and I went to the microwave to heat up my water for the optifast tomato soup. He asked me if I wanted him to make my soup taste better and since he is definately the cook in the family, I let him at it. He added a plethora of spices and it was sooo yummy. Last night I came home late from school and meetings and the first thing he asked is if I wanted him to make my soup again.
There are a lot of people who aren't as supportive of their partners, but I am so lucky to have someone in my life who not only encourages me, but supports me by making my journey a little easier and tastier :) Even T said last night, it's not just your journey, it's our journey. TLC makes the soup better, and the love stronger!
I knew after "5 days" that I loved my boyfriend, but he continues every day to surprise me with little acts of love and kindness. The other day, we were in the kitchen and he had grilled yummy food on the Egg (this giant green ceramic grill that is apparently the end all be all of grilling) and I went to the microwave to heat up my water for the optifast tomato soup. He asked me if I wanted him to make my soup taste better and since he is definately the cook in the family, I let him at it. He added a plethora of spices and it was sooo yummy. Last night I came home late from school and meetings and the first thing he asked is if I wanted him to make my soup again.
There are a lot of people who aren't as supportive of their partners, but I am so lucky to have someone in my life who not only encourages me, but supports me by making my journey a little easier and tastier :) Even T said last night, it's not just your journey, it's our journey. TLC makes the soup better, and the love stronger!
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Pushing Your Body's Limits
I woke up this morning feeling like crap, despite going to bed at 8:30 last night (yes, I am like an old woman). Yesterday, I worked out with my trainer for an hour doing resistance training and I could already tell a difference in my abilities. Even though we dropped all the weight amounts, it still kicked my behind. She also put me on the treadmill walking at a 3.5 mile pace and I about passed out - I used to walk at a 4.0 pace and even jog some, but when you are only consuming 800 calories a day your body doesn't put up with as much. I was reaching my f-point much sooner than usual (the f-point is where you want to scream obscenities -- I'll let you figure out what f stands for).
At about 3:30 or so I started to feel a little bit lightheaded and drank a shake to feel better, even though it was a little bit earlier than I had planned on. I had also walked across campus three times by that time and I think I had reached my exercise limit. By the time I got home, I had walked across campus twice again and my pedometer said I had walked almost 13000 steps which is equal to 6.2 miles for me. I was exhausted!
Now that I have had 3 shakes today, I feel like a new woman. I think all the exercise (even though the walking was not intentional) overtaxed my body. It is a strange feeling to adapt to new limits and to be forced into really listening to your body. I still find myself thinking I need a snack (preferably the salty crunchy kind), but then I think about my shrinking body and I pass on that idea. Day 5 and still no cheating!
At about 3:30 or so I started to feel a little bit lightheaded and drank a shake to feel better, even though it was a little bit earlier than I had planned on. I had also walked across campus three times by that time and I think I had reached my exercise limit. By the time I got home, I had walked across campus twice again and my pedometer said I had walked almost 13000 steps which is equal to 6.2 miles for me. I was exhausted!
Now that I have had 3 shakes today, I feel like a new woman. I think all the exercise (even though the walking was not intentional) overtaxed my body. It is a strange feeling to adapt to new limits and to be forced into really listening to your body. I still find myself thinking I need a snack (preferably the salty crunchy kind), but then I think about my shrinking body and I pass on that idea. Day 5 and still no cheating!
Monday, February 18, 2008
Celebrating Without Food
I am so proud of myself. I can't believe I made it through the entire weekend without a bite, lick or taste of any food aside from the prescribed shakes and soup.
I can never just take the easy road and have a nice relaxing weekend on the first few days of my plan, instead I throw myself into the challenge by celebrating both my fabulous boyfriend's birthday at a restaurant with 22 other people, and the traveling to Asheville for my sisters birthday. Of course went to dinner for my sister's birthday, but then also brunch on Sunday with my girlfriends.
Friday was easy. I got to the restaurant early and talked to our waitress about my special needs and she took my soup to the back and prepared it for me and brought it out when everyone else was having dinner. It looked so scrumptious in a large flat bowl and none of T's coworkers knew any different. I was able to tell my close friends about my new adventure and I was so relieved by their support (of course after the initial shock). I avoided all the appetizers and kept busy by fluttering around and talking to people.
Saturday was a little more tough. I realized that there were a lot of emotional triggers for food that made me want to eat. One was being in my sisters house and seeing the Doritos, Chocolate Chip Cookie cake (my absolute favorite!!) and my Granny. Something about the comfort of Granny triggers my desire to eat. I was able to listen to my body and realize that I wasn't actually hungry - my mind was! The waitress at Saturday nights dinner wasn't as accommodating and wasn't to excited about my lack of food and drink order - little did she know that the amazing waitress from the night before got a 40% tip from me since I didn't have a bill. I also realized that after studying I immediately wanted to snack and I started to crave salty, crunchy foods. I am in an Executive MBA program and it is extremely challenging and time consuming, so my stress levels have definately increased.
Overall, the past three days haven't been too bad (especially since I have already lost 5 lbs!!). I did have a couple of moments where I had a hard time concentrating and felt a little spacy, but after I drank a shake that feeling went away and I actually got a boost of energy. I also had moments where I felt hungry, but then realized it wasn't real hunger. I also had some wicked dreams about food where I would stuff myself with macaroni and cheese and chips and then realize I wasn't supposed to eat those things and panic. It's funny how your subconscious comes out in your dreams.
Today at lunch I see my trainer for the first time since being on the program and I am excited to share my success with her. She'll have to take it easier on me - but she is excited about the challenge and wants to see all my stats each week. One of my favorite grrlllzz also encouraged me to blog about my experience because of the support you can receive. It feels so good to have such an amazing support system ~ I can't imagine my success without them!
I can never just take the easy road and have a nice relaxing weekend on the first few days of my plan, instead I throw myself into the challenge by celebrating both my fabulous boyfriend's birthday at a restaurant with 22 other people, and the traveling to Asheville for my sisters birthday. Of course went to dinner for my sister's birthday, but then also brunch on Sunday with my girlfriends.
Friday was easy. I got to the restaurant early and talked to our waitress about my special needs and she took my soup to the back and prepared it for me and brought it out when everyone else was having dinner. It looked so scrumptious in a large flat bowl and none of T's coworkers knew any different. I was able to tell my close friends about my new adventure and I was so relieved by their support (of course after the initial shock). I avoided all the appetizers and kept busy by fluttering around and talking to people.
Saturday was a little more tough. I realized that there were a lot of emotional triggers for food that made me want to eat. One was being in my sisters house and seeing the Doritos, Chocolate Chip Cookie cake (my absolute favorite!!) and my Granny. Something about the comfort of Granny triggers my desire to eat. I was able to listen to my body and realize that I wasn't actually hungry - my mind was! The waitress at Saturday nights dinner wasn't as accommodating and wasn't to excited about my lack of food and drink order - little did she know that the amazing waitress from the night before got a 40% tip from me since I didn't have a bill. I also realized that after studying I immediately wanted to snack and I started to crave salty, crunchy foods. I am in an Executive MBA program and it is extremely challenging and time consuming, so my stress levels have definately increased.
Overall, the past three days haven't been too bad (especially since I have already lost 5 lbs!!). I did have a couple of moments where I had a hard time concentrating and felt a little spacy, but after I drank a shake that feeling went away and I actually got a boost of energy. I also had moments where I felt hungry, but then realized it wasn't real hunger. I also had some wicked dreams about food where I would stuff myself with macaroni and cheese and chips and then realize I wasn't supposed to eat those things and panic. It's funny how your subconscious comes out in your dreams.
Today at lunch I see my trainer for the first time since being on the program and I am excited to share my success with her. She'll have to take it easier on me - but she is excited about the challenge and wants to see all my stats each week. One of my favorite grrlllzz also encouraged me to blog about my experience because of the support you can receive. It feels so good to have such an amazing support system ~ I can't imagine my success without them!
Friday, February 15, 2008
D-Day
Today is d-day or drink day or diet day or damn day. I woke up last night at 3:00 a.m. and couldn't relax enough to go back to sleep. I have been so excited about this day for the last 3 weeks and now that is was becoming a reality I was freaked out.
3 weeks ago I went to my doctor for a check-up and I began discussing my struggles with my weight with her. At one point I had lost 100 pounds over 4 years and now I have gained back about 35 pounds of it. All the things that used to work aren't working anymore. Maybe it's turning 30, maybe it's my disease, but the reality is I am eating too much and my body is not happy about it. My blood sugar levels are off, my HDL is not high enough depsite all the exercise I do and I have been struggling with UTI's for awhile. I was at my limit and I needed help.
My doctor told me about the bariatric clinic at Emory and their Medical Weight Loss Management program and reffered me to their clinic. I went to an information session and learned that in 14 -21 weeks I could achieve significant weight loss under the guidance of my doctor and a bariatric doctor through a liquid fast called Optifast. I would have to attend a medical clinic each week as well as a support group that covered topics ranging from exercise to the psychology of eating and nutrition information. At the end of 14 weeks I would be reintroduced to food (slowly) and learn how to eat again. Did I mention it was expensive?? The first thing I did was call my insurance company and go over the procedure codes and the program - luckily my insurance company will cover the majority of the program, otherwise it wouldn't be happening.
I began thinking about my lifelong struggle with my weight and how I have all the knowledge and information about eating healthy, but I was still controlled by my emotions and that led to eating too much. Food is my crack. Not that I am ready to go into too many details, but the one thing I have learned about myself is that I needed to learn what triggered my emotional eating and how to look for those clues and conquer the demon that has forever haunted me. I knew that if I could commit to not eating anything but these protein, vitamin and mineral enriched shakes I could focus on the emotional side and be able to take a break from my addiction. Think about it - if you are an alcoholic you *could* just put down the bottle and avoid being around alcohol - you just don't drink it (I know that this is a serious addiction - this is just a simple analogy) - the same goes for drugs. But not if your crack is food. You are faced with thousands of decisions a day about what to eat, what not to eat, candy jars in the office, lunch dates, dinner dates, holidays centered around food and celebrations...the list could go on and on. You just can't lay down the bottle and walk away. You have to eat to live....but you don't have to live to eat. That is why I decided to start my journey to better health.
The initial reaction I have gotten from everyone is shock and concern, because the weight loss is significant and quick - they think it is too drastic. After I describe the program and everything that is involved, as well as the underlying medical conditions, most people are supportive. This is not something that I am doing to just look better or to improve my life. I have amazing and supportive friends, family and a boyfriend who loves me just the way I am. This isn't for anyone but myself -- I want to live~
After I went through all the blood work and EKG and dr's visits I knew that the following weeks would be the last time I would eat for awhile. You would think that I would pig-out and start eating all the things I am saying goodbye to for the rest of my life, but the strangest thing happened -- I stopped obsessing about losing weight and with the knowledge that I would soon be at a healthier weight I actually stopped obsessing about what I ate and dropped 7 lbs in the process. Yesterday was my last day to eat food for 14 weeks and I have to admit that I ate too much at lunch and was stuffed after dinner. It felt terrible. My blood sugar was off and I felt like crap -- I locked that feeling away into my memory and promised myself to always think of that when I started eating again.
I freaked out last night because I knew that I would follow the program and I knew that I would succeed, but could I handle the new image of me? My entire adult (and pre-teen) life has been spent in varying degrees of being overweight and it has always been my comfort and shield from the rest of the world. Being fat makes you the "safe" and non-threating friend, but making great changes in your life makes you stand out. At 3 oclock this morning I wasn't sure if I was ready for the attention and if I could accept the new me. I couldn't even picture myself at a healthy weight - what will I look like?
Not eating today has been pretty easy. It's almost a relief. Every three hours I make a shake and drink it down and go about my way. I met friends for lunch and was not even tempted to snatch a bite of food. I was surrounded by the smell of food and I was okay. There were veggies and dip in the breakroom all day and I didn't even take a bite. I just said no. Tonight I am going to celebrate my boyfriend with 20 of our friends and his coworkers at a restaurant and I am not going to eat. It makes people uncomfortable when you don't eat - but I know that I can do it. We are also traveling this weekend and celebrating at a restaurant again with my sister for her birthday and I know that I'll be okay because I will be surrounded by those who love me. The challenge will be when I have to eat again and I faced with choices choices choices choices.
Right now I am just going to focus on all my numbers -- not just my weight -- but my cholesterol, blood sugar, blood pressure -- and start watching them improve. I stepped on a scale yesterday that told you your metabolic age and it told me I was 50...it could be worse because it maxes out at 50. I was devasted but I know that I have to change....now....and forever.
One day down...97 to go. I will complete the fast 3 days after my birthday on May 22, 2008 - what an amazing gift I plan on giving myself!
3 weeks ago I went to my doctor for a check-up and I began discussing my struggles with my weight with her. At one point I had lost 100 pounds over 4 years and now I have gained back about 35 pounds of it. All the things that used to work aren't working anymore. Maybe it's turning 30, maybe it's my disease, but the reality is I am eating too much and my body is not happy about it. My blood sugar levels are off, my HDL is not high enough depsite all the exercise I do and I have been struggling with UTI's for awhile. I was at my limit and I needed help.
My doctor told me about the bariatric clinic at Emory and their Medical Weight Loss Management program and reffered me to their clinic. I went to an information session and learned that in 14 -21 weeks I could achieve significant weight loss under the guidance of my doctor and a bariatric doctor through a liquid fast called Optifast. I would have to attend a medical clinic each week as well as a support group that covered topics ranging from exercise to the psychology of eating and nutrition information. At the end of 14 weeks I would be reintroduced to food (slowly) and learn how to eat again. Did I mention it was expensive?? The first thing I did was call my insurance company and go over the procedure codes and the program - luckily my insurance company will cover the majority of the program, otherwise it wouldn't be happening.
I began thinking about my lifelong struggle with my weight and how I have all the knowledge and information about eating healthy, but I was still controlled by my emotions and that led to eating too much. Food is my crack. Not that I am ready to go into too many details, but the one thing I have learned about myself is that I needed to learn what triggered my emotional eating and how to look for those clues and conquer the demon that has forever haunted me. I knew that if I could commit to not eating anything but these protein, vitamin and mineral enriched shakes I could focus on the emotional side and be able to take a break from my addiction. Think about it - if you are an alcoholic you *could* just put down the bottle and avoid being around alcohol - you just don't drink it (I know that this is a serious addiction - this is just a simple analogy) - the same goes for drugs. But not if your crack is food. You are faced with thousands of decisions a day about what to eat, what not to eat, candy jars in the office, lunch dates, dinner dates, holidays centered around food and celebrations...the list could go on and on. You just can't lay down the bottle and walk away. You have to eat to live....but you don't have to live to eat. That is why I decided to start my journey to better health.
The initial reaction I have gotten from everyone is shock and concern, because the weight loss is significant and quick - they think it is too drastic. After I describe the program and everything that is involved, as well as the underlying medical conditions, most people are supportive. This is not something that I am doing to just look better or to improve my life. I have amazing and supportive friends, family and a boyfriend who loves me just the way I am. This isn't for anyone but myself -- I want to live~
After I went through all the blood work and EKG and dr's visits I knew that the following weeks would be the last time I would eat for awhile. You would think that I would pig-out and start eating all the things I am saying goodbye to for the rest of my life, but the strangest thing happened -- I stopped obsessing about losing weight and with the knowledge that I would soon be at a healthier weight I actually stopped obsessing about what I ate and dropped 7 lbs in the process. Yesterday was my last day to eat food for 14 weeks and I have to admit that I ate too much at lunch and was stuffed after dinner. It felt terrible. My blood sugar was off and I felt like crap -- I locked that feeling away into my memory and promised myself to always think of that when I started eating again.
I freaked out last night because I knew that I would follow the program and I knew that I would succeed, but could I handle the new image of me? My entire adult (and pre-teen) life has been spent in varying degrees of being overweight and it has always been my comfort and shield from the rest of the world. Being fat makes you the "safe" and non-threating friend, but making great changes in your life makes you stand out. At 3 oclock this morning I wasn't sure if I was ready for the attention and if I could accept the new me. I couldn't even picture myself at a healthy weight - what will I look like?
Not eating today has been pretty easy. It's almost a relief. Every three hours I make a shake and drink it down and go about my way. I met friends for lunch and was not even tempted to snatch a bite of food. I was surrounded by the smell of food and I was okay. There were veggies and dip in the breakroom all day and I didn't even take a bite. I just said no. Tonight I am going to celebrate my boyfriend with 20 of our friends and his coworkers at a restaurant and I am not going to eat. It makes people uncomfortable when you don't eat - but I know that I can do it. We are also traveling this weekend and celebrating at a restaurant again with my sister for her birthday and I know that I'll be okay because I will be surrounded by those who love me. The challenge will be when I have to eat again and I faced with choices choices choices choices.
Right now I am just going to focus on all my numbers -- not just my weight -- but my cholesterol, blood sugar, blood pressure -- and start watching them improve. I stepped on a scale yesterday that told you your metabolic age and it told me I was 50...it could be worse because it maxes out at 50. I was devasted but I know that I have to change....now....and forever.
One day down...97 to go. I will complete the fast 3 days after my birthday on May 22, 2008 - what an amazing gift I plan on giving myself!
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