Leftover pizza in the conference room, einstein bros bagels with veggie cream cheese, chick-fil-a nuggets during break, lays potato chips and french onion dip, birthday cake, sushi, vegetables and ranch, doritos, moe's southwest grill burritos...the list could go on and on. It is just a small sample of every snack -- not even meal -- that I said no to in the past week. My efforts were rewarded with a 10 lb weight loss -- that's right 10 freakin' pounds in a week!
The first time I walked away from a delicious snack, I was proud of myself, but I still wasn't positive that I would be able to do it again and again. I don't know the exact moment, but at some point I went from thinking I could make good decisions for my health, to knowing I could make good decisions for my health. This weekend was pretty crappy for me, I was tired and my stress level was high. I had a three day class week for my MBA program (it's normally two) and we had a 2-inch binder full of readings, not to mention a six page case analysis for management strategy, a quiz in decision and information analysis, and deliverables due for marketing strategy and financial analysis. The cravings for comfort food hit me like a mack truck. As part of our $88,000 tuition they feed us, constantly, and everywhere I looked was food and people eating food. Normally it's not so bad, but when your defenses are down, it takes more to say no.
The amazing thing is I didn't buckle. I was able to maintain my three hour feeding schedule and avoided most feedings until lunch today when I had a group study session and it was obvious I wasn't eating with everyone else. My doctor (neurologist) teammate kept trying to get me to eat, until I finally explained to him what I was doing. His first reaction was concern, but then he was impressed with my commitment to improve my health. I made my shake and put it in a coffee cup so that I wouldn't have to explain to the other 119 executives in my program why I was drinking the funky looking stuff.
One thing that really helped me put things into perspective this week was the session we had with a psychologist as part of the program. Each week we have group meetings and this week it was about Commitment and Decision. I used to think that I need to figure out why I used food as my comfort and the psychologist explained the "why" wasn't as important as the "what" (as in what it takes to succeed). When we use "why" it becomes a justification because we are blaming others instead of taking responsibility for ourselves. You can assert and control in eating situations and it is only you that makes the choice about what to eat and what not to eat. Internal control is much more powerful than external control and you have to accept that you have control and only you can define who you want to be.
I am working towards creating a new value system for myself so that I can maintain a healthy lifestyle that makes me feel good physically and emotionally. An important component in that is becoming an optimist. I thought I was optimist, until I realized that maybe I was kidding myself. I know that I will succeed in losing weight to a healthy range this time, but I am afraid of going back to eating food on the maintenance part of the program. I still have doubt that I will be able to keep the weight off because I have always struggled with it in the past. I shared this with my group and one of the guys blew me away with amazing insight -- I had told them about losing over 100 lbs over about 4 years and in the past 2 years I have gained about 30 lbs or so back -- he pointed out to me that I had been succesful. 70 lbs is still a success and I should focus on that instead of feeling like a failure for the smaller amount I gained. Damn - he's right. I know that I have an all or nothing personality and I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to myself. I am very hard on myself and push myself to always be the best I can be, and the one thing that I have not been able to overcome in my life is my weight.
Each day I am working on becoming and optimist and knowing, not just believing that this is forever. Stress is never going away, the desire to fill myself with comfort foods is not going away, but my belief in myself and desire to be around for a long time aren't going away either and I accept that I have control...not just now, but always.
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"Internal control is much more powerful than external control and you have to accept that you have control and only you can define who you want to be."... This statement hit home.
I love the "why" and have lived there for so long. The "why" gives me an excuse, it helps me find comfort and a safe place for all the reasons I am where I am today.
For the last 5 weeks, I have been more focused on the "what" (as in what it takes to succeed). I have started a class I enjoy, started hiking with my family, man and dog and hired a trainer. I am actually enjoying myself. Now that I am more focused on the "what" than the "why", I feel better about myself.
You are losing so much so fast, it must be crazy to go through. It sounds like you are doing great! I, too, would be worried about going back to solids only because I have an all or nothing personality. Doing the regimented has always been easier than making my own choices. God, that is wrong!!!! I know that you will be fine.
You are definitely on your way to becoming an optimist! Have a great day and dont stress out too much!
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