More Than a Number

Last week I lost 2.5 lbs, making my total for 3 weeks 16 lbs. Each Thursday I visit the clinic and while waiting to see the doctor and do my group sessions, I always end up having conversations with my fellow group members. Last Thursday I was complaining about what seemed like slow weight progress and teasing the men for their much quicker results (I don't need to tell anyone how much easier and faster it is for men to lose weight). I also shared how the doctor told me that I was working out too much and that it was slowing my weight loss progress. At that point it was time for our group session with our trusty psychologist and one of the new members who hadn't started the program commented on how she was afraid of starting the program because she loved working out and was worried she wouldn't lose the weight like she wanted if she continued to work out. I realized at that point that she had heard me complaining and was not very happy with myself. Why am I so obsessed with a number on the scale? Why can't I focus on the other wins?

The truth is I do have a slight obsession with the scale and I have been weighing myself every day since I started the program...okay maybe sometimes twice a day. I think there are benefits to weighing yourself every day if you are on maintenance, but not so much if your emotions are affected by a number on a scale. Last week when I saw that 1 lb gain I was devasted, even though I am intelligent enough to know that there are many factors that actually affect your weight and it will not only fluctuate throughout the day, but daily even on an 800 calorie diet. I noticed more food cravings last week and had to stop myself from falling off the wagon and just saying f-it. I know it is only 1 lb, but that is what simple numbers do to me. The scale is an indication of my success and it is difficult to not see more progress when I am following a program to the letter.

I sat down yesterday and decided to put some logic to my weight loss. I am a total spreadsheet geek (I think I have spent too much time studying for my Decision and Information Analysis class this term) and so I created a formula to estimate my weekly weight loss. This is in no way scientifically proven, but it was my attempt to provide logic to my expectations. Without going into too much detail, I basically figured out how many calories I would consume in a week to maintain my weight (aka BMR- basil metabolic rate), how many calories I was consuming a week on optifast, subtracted the difference and then divided by 3500 calories which is the calorie deficit you need to create to lose a pound. I got 3.56 and I figured out that number will go down as I lose weight because my BMR will change. What does all of this tell me? Essentially it tells me that I can only expect to lose an average of 3.5 lbs a week until my weight significantly changes and then it will be less. It tells me that I need to get over myself and my disapointment with lower numbers because the more you weigh the quicker you will lose (back to the BMR theory).

My trainer convinced me that I needed to stop weighing myself everyday and so I enlisted the support of my boyfriend who completely agrees with her and hid the scale from me. It seems pretty ridiculous to resort to that, but I know myself so I had to give up control to him. I negotiated a bi-weekly weigh in for two weeks and then I have to go to once a week. I love the support T gives me and the fact that he still finds me adorable despite all my neurosis.

In my class this week we talked about the importance of support and being able to ask for what you need from other people. That is really tough for me, but I have noticed that the older I get and the more I am able to trust, the better I am getting at asking for support. I shared how lucky I am to have such a great support system in my life from T who continues to help me innovate my recipes and share in my journey everyday and encourage me when I am tired, to my sister who listens everyday and knows me better than I know myself and believes in me despite my failures in the past, my trusted coworkers (the few I admire) who ask me every week about my progress and are truly happy for my success, my on-line supporters of my blog, my trainer who is always willing to push me past my f-point and call me on my bs, my fellow group members who share their strategies and bits and pieces of their lives and heartaches, and finally my family and friends who I choose to my make my family because of their unconditional love and support.

One member of our group shared his battle to gain support from his family. He lost 180 lbs on his own and joined Optifast to continue his weight loss journey. It broke my heart to hear him tell us that his family is not very supportive of his weight loss because he is now the smallest person (and he weighs well over 350 lbs) and to celebrate his great weight loss for the week they made him homemade biscuits and gravy, knowing that he is on a liquid diet. I am not sure if they were just conditioned to celebrate with food, but it seems that they were trying to sabotage his success because they are unhappy with their own inability to change their lifestyle. J is such an inspiration to me because of his drive and determination to better his life despite not having support from his own family and it makes me realize how much of an advantage I have because of my vast support system.

With that being said, I realize there are more important things in life than a number on a scale and I promise myself to start noticing and appreciating the little things more and more every day .