Red Letter Day

After four weeks on Optifast I officially lost 18.5 pounds! This is really hard to put out for all the world to read, but I am so excited that I just have to share -- today was one of my "allowable" weigh in days and when I stepped on the scale I was below 200 lbs for the first time in two and a half years. Only once in my adult life have I been there before. It feels great to be getting closer to my goal and seeing more and more changes every day.

I was talking to a coworker the other day about how difficult it is to maintain weight loss and I mentioned that you never actually lose your fat cells when you lose weight. You can shrink them but they won't go away. She was shocked by this and never heard that. The truth is this extra weight I carry will always be a part of me even when it does become less. It lives in my memory and unfortunately, much like an elephant, the fat cell never forgets. It reminds me of a book that we read as a kid that was about an elephant..."an elephant won't forget you when your happy, an elephant won't forget you when your sad, an elephant knows the secret to remembering it all is learning from the good times and the bad".

I truly believe this is why people who have been overweight much of their lives have a harder time losing or even just maintaining weight loss. The good news is there is one way to get rid of fat cells - you can get them sucked out with liposuction, but thats another surgery I am not sure I would want to endure.

Knowing that I have to monitor what I eat for the rest of my life is a bit daunting, but I hope that eventually my good eating practices become a habit. I have to start by recognizing when I am responding to an emotional need or impulse. Choice is power. I can exercise power over a situation by choosing my response instead of allowing something to happen to me. The psychologist at my meeting pointed out that when you see yourself as a victim you lose power and become hapless. "I can't believe I just ate that chocolate bar" sets me up for disappointment, shame and embarassment - I am so out-of-control that I couldn't even make myself not eat one chocolate bar! "I chose to eat that chocolate bar" removes the emotional hook - it allows me to feel ownership and responsibility without the overwhelming disappointment, and allows me to observe my choice and make changes should I want to choose differently next time.

I can shed my emotional baggage and empower myself because true success isn't absolute abstinence - true success is choice. If I can identify and address the underlying emotional need I am on my way to success. Of course, we all know - eating comfort food doesn't help the actual situation. No matter how much spinach and artichoke dip you eat, your co-workers will not treat you better and your job won't be any more satisfying. No matter how many chocolate bars you consume, your boss won't show you more respect and you won't win the lottery. Just like alcohol and drugs, any comfort derived from emotional eating is false and temporary. If I can just remember that when I am craving food I just might be alright!

Little losses can mean big success

I made it through yet another week without anything but Optifast shakes and soup and my weight loss was a whopping 3.5 lbs. I have to be honest, my first reaction to that number was disappointment since I had lost 10 lbs last week. I sat there for a moment turning that number over and over in my head thinking "Are you f-ing kidding me, I eat 800 calories a day and this is all I get out of it?". So I did a little calculation : 13.5 lbs + (12 weeks * 3 lbs) = 49.5 lbs of weight loss at the end of the active phase of weight loss. I am such an idiot. Those self defeating thoughts are exactly what keep me overweight. 3.5 lbs is a HUGE success and I need to recognize that and the health benefits that I reap with each pound of fat gone from my body.

I have already begun to see huge improvements in my blood sugar levels and I beleive I can possibly come off my metaformin (the drug used to control my blood sugar levels) with even just 20 more lbs off. A normal blood sugar reading is 80-120 and before I started the program (and since the holidays) they had been averaging 115 in the morning. Now when I wake up the readings have been between 85 and 95 which is incredible. They drew blood last week and the doctor was impressed that at the end of the day and within two hours of eating my blood sugar was only 87. That improvement alone is worth every dime I spend to lose weight. (Look for my diabetes blog after this - I think I'll post it here too to help people understand better).

So after 2 weeks I have lost 13.5 lbs and I can already start to notice little changes like being able to breathe easier since my pants aren't cutting off my circulation, I can start to see my dimples again in pictures when I smile, and I am feeling a little sassier every day. I think next time I'll post some progress pictures...watchout world!